Hello, I know it’s been a bit. Between this post and my last one I’ve done multiple character designs and attempted – emphasis on attempted, to set up my store page. In the ensuing burnout and therapy sessions I attended (not cause of my burnout I’ve always seen a therapist) I’ve had to confront a few things about myself that deep down I already knew but just didn’t know how to properly confront. I have a lot to be grateful for, I have a family that supports me pursuing art as a career, I have a roof over my head, and I’m not being pressured to get a job while working on my art. It seems like everything is in my favor to take steps towards making the life and career I want for myself but I still find myself to be struggling, as a result I had to stop and evaluate why I wasn’t where I wanted to be even with the benefit of being able to pursue art full time…
I'm Demoralized
I know this may seem at odds with the more optimistic tone I implied with the title but hear me out. I don’t want to be sad obviously, but it just feels like with the world is just becoming more and more hostile to anyone who doesn’t fit a very specific mold of what a person is like and that mold is becoming more and more flat and inhuman as time goes on. A person who only exists to spend and work as much as possible for as little pay as possible, if not replaced outright, with the intention of creating a dehumanized, unsustainable, and outright paradoxical being that buys and consumes worsening content and products constantly and uncritically while being given as little money to do so under an anarcho-capitalist, techno-feudalist, fascist state. With failure to comply within white, patriarchal standards resulting in ostracization at best and outright extermination at worst. As the people who blindly support generative ai always say; adapt or die. Generative A.I. is fascism’s newest tool. Built off of stolen works, its polluting the planet, taking labor away from workers to deny them money that grants them agency in our capitalist society, and spewing misinformation and propaganda at a breakneck pace.
At its core it serves no other purpose than to replace and consolidate aspects of our creativity. communication, and critical thinking in order to subjugate us into constantly consuming worsening content and products without question, allowing the rich to get more for less furthering the class divide and perpetuating our society’s hatred for the poor, marginalized, and working class. Barring the few safety nets I have which can be lost at any moment my existence and survival in this society is transactional. Knowing that I could lose the few things keeping me afloat at any moment is a crushing thing to be aware of and ironically makes it very hard to be proactive.
I’m Traumatized
Despite having an autism diagnosis my school never really did much to accommodate for me. The only adult who really actually seemed to do much for me growing up was my mom. Everyone else who had a position of power over me just dismissed my struggles, telling me to just “stop crying” or “you just need to learn to ignore it” or “why can’t you just be normal?” There was even a teacher who told me that they thought I wanted to be miserable. Whenever something was stressing me out, even when kids were purposely going out of their way to stress me out to the point I would cry in class I was just told to ignore it or leave the room.
Even when people went out of my way to cause me pain I was always the one who had to change what I was doing. It just instilled in me a sense that to everyone else my wellbeing was second to their comfort and convenience. Whether or I like it or not I’ve internalized that pain. I still vividly remember being told by students how nobody liked me, that everything was my fault, and the looks of irritation and disgust I got because I was crying from stress and pain. Even though I rationally know those thoughts aren’t true, I just have intrusive thoughts about how nobody likes me, I’m a failure, and that world wants me dead and will never be satisfied with what I do. My biggest fear has always been being stuck an an abusive system or environment, and while I like to think I’ve put my childhood behind me the truth is that that fear has been amplified by the possibly of being threatened with homelessness should I be stuck without any safety nets as I get older, and combined with my intrusive thoughts that has lead to me catastrophizing as a result.
In my early college years I actually felt like I was accepted, but that was cut short by the pandemic. It wasn’t perfect obviously, while I enjoyed my art classes I would have to dedicate all my time to them, and sometimes I felt teachers didn’t believe I was working my hardest. I’d always get B’s because A’s were for students who went “above and beyond” while the grade itself didn’t bother me that statement felt like it was insinuating that I wasn’t trying hard enough, I feel like it subconsciously brought back memories of my school years where nobody would believe I was trying to trying my hardest. But this along with other issues I had were able to be managed or overlooked. Unfortunately these issues became exasperated when the coronavirus outbreak started. The early years of the Covid 19 pandemic were really hard for me. Not only was the one time I felt safe abruptly destroyed, but I got to see society repeatedly, vocally, and globally double down on its disdain for the disabled. Even before Covid I knew college wouldn’t last forever. I would even cry or panic about losing all these things I finally had and cherished, having multiple therapy sessions were I was learning to feel at peace with my self and cherish the friendships and new life I made for myself. Then the moment I started to let my guard down all my worst fears came true. This wasn’t helped by my family almost losing our house and this was all very stressful to me to the point I still have night terrors. Unfortunately this carried over to my subsequent college classes. While I was seeing a therapist the ongoing financial struggles combined with the pandemic not actually being resolved meant I could really make any progress because I was continuously being scared and traumatized, whenever I tried to ask staff for understanding or accommodations they would just skirt around the issue rather than just tell me they were unequipped, which I wish they did sooner instead of downplaying my issues, it just felt like the one time I finally was able to do more than just exist and survive the world got mad at me and tried to put me back in place, after 2020 I was forced to not only see my worst fears come to fruition but also how they could play a hand in my own mortality.
I think about death a lot. Even when it doesn't make sense.
Ever since the covid 19 pandemic I developed an irrational fear of death. Fear of myself dying, fear of my loved ones dying. It just feels like I’m constantly reminded of it, from the pandemic that everyone just started ignoring to the ongoing genocides and rise of fascism I’ve felt really unsafe for a while now. Sometimes when I fall asleep I end up waking up in a panic because for a moment when I’m not fully awake my brain just thinks I’m dead. Sometimes I see trees and they remind me of veins and it makes me depressed. I know it’s irrational, and the awareness of these thoughts as well as my awareness of how I catastrophize has made it easier to manage, but I still struggle. Two things can be true, that my brain can sometimes jump to the worst possible conclusions AND the things driving me to do this can still be reasonable things to be upset about. I think part of it might be because I felt like my struggles were downplayed so much that I fear doing the same in response to serious issues, along with the anxiety that comes from a sense of helplessness. I’m still obviously working through these feelings but being able to find the words to describe them does wonders for helping me confront them.
Where is the optimism that you were talking about again?
I’ve been struggling with a lot of my art, and I definitely feel like its because of these personal issues I mentioned earlier, but until now I didn’t have the words to describe them. Words don’t just help you communicate with others, they can help you better understand yourself, and now that I’m able to better navigate these complicated feelings and get them out here it has felt like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. This was something I didn’t know was holding me back, but being able to better address it is really empowering. This stuff obviously takes time but it feels less scary now, and I feel like now that I can better navigate these feelings I won’t have to use up all my energy to just survive, as I’m typing this I already feel more motivated to work on art again. I can confidently say that I’ll post again soon. In fact, I will because I actually have a bunch of stuff I can share from since I last posted, overall I’ve definitely had my struggles working on art, but I feel like through therapy and self reflection I’m able to take a step closer to my goals that I haven’t been earlier. Thanks for listening to me.